Next

Next is an apt title for this film. As in next please. The movie left me dumbfounded. And then it ended - it’s not every movie that could upstage a nuclear explosion with a Dallas-like Bobby-out-of-the-shower-type moment. You mean I wasted ninety minutes of my life watching a film that couldn’t even decide what it was about. What happened? Nothing happened? Nicolas Cage looked two minutes into the future, envisioned all the possible scenarios in his obviously-computer like brain, and this story was the best he could do?

It’s unfortunate that the film is supposedly based on a Phillip K. Dick short story. I’m sure that the original story, The Golden Man, was more coherent and entertaining. It had to be.

Nicolas Cage plays a Las Vegas magician Chris Johnson aka Frank Cadillac who has a terribly unentertaining mentalist act. The highlight of his act was a prediction that a necklace would fall off a woman’s neck into her drink. Woohoo! You have to wonder why he bothered, since it seems he makes all his money at the blackjack table. Mr. Johnson helpfully tells the audience that the key is to stay under the radar, not to win too much at one time. He then proceeds to do exactly that! Switch to the control room where the head of casino security is keeping an eye on the erstwhile magician via a video feed. They’re talking about him - so Chris stares woefully up at the hidden camera. Hey, I thought his talent was to see the future - but it seems he also has some latent telepathic abilities, not to mention a nose for ferreting out surveillance cameras.

Cue the FBI, in the person of a hyper-aggressive and annoying agent Ferris played by Julianne Moore. She’s after him to help some French-speaking terrorists from deploying a nuclear bomb somewhere in the vicinity. I suppose Jack Bauer is busy elsewhere, and this is the best idea the FBI’s got at the moment. It’s never explained why or how the FBI heard of Johnson - perhaps an agent named Mulder tipped them off.

But the bad guys are also after the magician - presumably there’s a leak in the FBI, a very bad leak, since it’s clear they’ve no idea why he’s important. Then again, there’s no clear reason why the terrorists are planting a bomb, or even where they’re from. Perhaps they’re FLQ refugees from the 70's. Or they’re from France, pissed off about the Freedom Fries thing. Or maybe it’s all the damn American tourists.

Of course, as Johnson explains more than once, he can’t see any future, just his. So cue the beautiful damsel in distress. This also gives the writers’ an excuse to throw in a miniaturized and compressed version of a Groundhog Day type seduction. But Nicolas Cage is no Bill Murray. And Jessica Biel is definitely no Andie MacDowell. For some unexplained (again) reason - no doubt due to destiny and love and all that - the magician can see farther into the future when it comes to this woman.

So conveniently, the villains kidnap her. Johnson perfects his dodging skills in saving her life. The viewer is surprised just how much can be done in two minute. All the possibilities. I can barely remember one time line, even two minutes at a time. He juggles time like a hyperactive stockbroker on meth.

Next please!